Tuesday, September 11, 2012

things are different now

Pinned Image

things are different now.
not bad different, just different.

I haven't written for a long time.
There's a part of me that's been delaying this post. Parts of me contemplated even deleting my blog. But there's things that I wrote here like when I started college and those experiences. So hey, I'll keep it.
This summer was life-changing. I had the opportunity to be a efy counselor for my church and I can honestly say that I don't know if I've ever done something so amazing before. I can't even write what's in my heart. I made the best memories, the best friends, the best relationships, and I can never be the same. If you're official Facebook friends with me (Facebook official..ha-ha) then you saw the million things I posted all summer.
I'll sum up the experience with one word...love.

Now for the other part.
I wrote about a boy. A boy that I cared about deeply. Things were not serious at that point and I readily recognize that. But I secretly planned maybe something would happen in the future because he had always been there. I felt that things were coming back together with us, albeit through a whirlwind. But through the time we knew each other, when we cared, we cared. When we fought, we fought. There were highs and there were lows. I think we've hit the lowest of our lows. After something that happened this summer, things have changed.
I'll sum up the experience with one word...hurt.

I don't know if I'll ever understand it. There are things that were said, mean things that I will never forget, things that really really hurt and really stuck. I felt like I didn't know where to go from that point on. I don't completely understand his side of it, I probably never will.
I'm okay with it. A part of me feels that I was being prepared for it. A few weeks after I got the letter that changed it all, I was re-reading through parts of my personal journal. In the entries preceding the week I got the letter, I had written something...
"If there comes a time that we're not together and are happy with other people, I still hope he knows how happy he once made me."
We had been happy together. I make no claims that I was "waiting for him". But we had been friends, had dated, and I thought the happiest I had ever been was with him. Things change though. Sometimes it's an easy transition, other times it comes about in hurtful words and feelings. But no matter what, it's do-able. Like a friend and I always say back and forth to each other, it's do-able. Not preferable, but do-able.
I wish him all the best.
I hope that I never minimize the relationships that I've had over this past year, whether on this blog forum or life in general. I hope they don't come off as being too dramatically portrayed. I recognize that these are my feelings and thoughts that I'm putting out here, they are from my side of things. But this is me, this is what I put out there, and I'm comfortable with it.

So there's my story.
Ready for another one?

After a week off efy (in which I received the letter mentioned above), I returned to my summer job. I won't lie, when I returned to my new location, I had a bad attitude. I didn't particularly want to be there, I wanted to be at another campus with my friends that I had made there. But Heavenly Father knew where I needed to be. I had one of the best groups of kids that I had all summer. I can't believe that I would have missed having these children. I met new friends and began to really love an all new team, a team that I would work on two more times and I would cry when I left, and I would later go on a trip to Disneyland with a group of friends from that team.
I made a best friend. We laughed about our kids, taught the gospel together, and he became my best partner. He was the one who gave me advice, the one who I sat and talked with for hours during free time and meals, the one who could make me laugh at anything, the only other one who loved our kids as much as I did, and he became my best friend.

Coincidentally, he's now my boyfriend.
Life works in mysterious ways, friends.


miss dawn said...

dun dun dun! bahaha! I can't wait for part two. . . and three, four, five. . .you get the just! I am happy for you my darling friend!

~Aubrie Rose.. said...

I'm with Kelsie here... yay!!!!!


Ha. You crack me up. Make me wait til the second to last line to throw in the "boyfriend" word. Geez! Love you Randi!