Tonight was my last night of my freshman year of college. It's a bittersweet night, one filled with a multitude of emotions. My apartment has slowly emptied and now I'm down to the bare essentials here. It's funny, when I woke up this morning I didn't think that I would feel this way tonight. I tried to ignore that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that reminded me that this was the last time I would go out to lunch with my roommate, that it was the last time I'd work out with my other roommate, that I wouldn't see many of my closest friends down here for a very long time. The lump in my throat has gotten progressively larger as the day has gone on. This biggest kick in the gut was when I walked into my room that I've been living in for the past 9 months to see my roommate's empty bed and her things missing from the shower.
It's funny how back in August, this was the last place that I wanted to be. I felt that it would take forever for May to get here and here I am now, preparing to move home tomorrow. This year has gone much too fast and I feel sometimes that I didn't take advantage of every opportunity I should have. I met wonderful people this year and it's incredibly bittersweet to say goodbye to many of them. Goodbyes have been hard and I have a feeling that they won't get much easier. It's hard to say goodbye to someone when you just barely realize just how much they love you and how much you love them.
I'm an emotional person. I don't do well with change. I didn't like moving away from home and here I am today, feeling very mixed about changing again. In a few weeks, I'll have been out of high school for a year. This year has been a crazy, wonderful, difficult ride. I graduated, I had wonderful experiences, I laughed with friends, I did many things for the last time, I fell in love with a boy over the summer, and I began college. When I think about that first night I spent here, I remember crying. I cried for the sting of leaving home, for the fear of being on my own for the first time, for the boy I wanted to be with, and the Randi I was used to being. Tonight I cry for a different reason. I cry because I'm saying a goodbye to people who love me because I don't know when I'll see some of them again. I cry because I'm finishing a year that meant so much to me. I cry because the bed next to me is empty. I cry because I'm leaving things behind.
I cry because I'm feeling the pains of growth. I had many this year and they were hard and they were difficult but oh, how they were needed. This particular pain however, is one that has taken me by surprise. I wasn't expecting to feel like I was leaving parts of myself behind. But those parts of me are here. They're here in my apartment where I laughed and cried and sang. They're here at the college where I learned and wondered. They're here at the side of my bed where I cried and prayed harder that I ever have in my life. They're here in the smiles and hugs and jokes of my friends.
Again, I cry for the Randi I'm used to being. I cry for the pieces that I'm losing. And tonight, I'll get ready for the hard goodbye of tomorrow. The goodbye where I'll leave Logan behind me in the rearview mirror.
But I'll be back.
